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Men On The Internet Are Having Sex With Coconuts And It's Low-key Nuts

by Helen Turnbull Published on 8 August 2017

God bless mankind: no longer are men satisfied with tugging away at their willies with what God gave them, they're now being forced (albeit by their own imaginations) to experiment with wanking techniques. The latest tommy tank trend doing the rounds on the Internet, more specifically reddit, is using a coconut in place of a fleshlight - for those unfamiliar with the male sex toy that basically means men are having sex with the hairy nut - and publicly writing about their escapades.

No longer is it acceptable to get your rocks off the good old fashioned way, masturbation has now been made 'magical' thanks to the invention of unicorn horn and Game of Thrones-themed dildos but it seems men aren't happy they're being left out of this new pleasure phenomenon. So much so their imaginations are forcing them to experiment with their solo sessions and are turning to er, inanimate objects. Namely, coconuts.

​Yep, those hairy fruits which have blessed us with the most unlikely but totally essential beauty product of our time are being drilled into by horny bros.

This came (sorry) about when one horny reddit user posted about his 'genius' hack which culminated in him shoving his dick into a cum and maggot-filled coconut. If that's not enough to make you vom on the spot, read on.

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The user named coconutthrowaway69 wrote on the r/TIFU thread: "One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.

"I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day."

According to the OG coconut f*cker, this "saviour" proved so damn good he forgot all basic hygiene and used it every day for the next week without cleaning it once. He continued: "Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It's heaven."

Not so heavenly was the smell caused by keeping a cum-filled coconut under your bed - ideal conditions for breeding maggots as this guy learned the hard way. Recalling the tale, he wrote: "About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.

"Worst mistake I have ever made.

"You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra."

You'd think this would put every man ever off shoving their willy where the sun don't shine but not the people of reddit because you see the Internet is a strange, strange place. No, for every 'ew gross' comments, the guy's post spawned a separate coconut-fucking-related TIFU thread with fellow horny dudes telling their equally hellish tales, including one unfortunate soul who was caught coconutting by his mum. Here's a collection of the best/worst:

Let these horror stories be a warning to horny dudes everywhere.

Have you ever tried having sex with an inanimate object? She your stories with us @soFeminineUK

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by Helen Turnbull