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Don't Bother: 12 Sex Moves That SO Aren't Worth It

by Cliche Wynter Published on 16 May 2014

Let's face it, we're always on a quest to unleash our inner vixen. We obsessively read call girl confessionals and magazine sex tips and needless to say we're always gamed when it comes to getting hot and heavy. In fact no move is too X-rated. Well, except, these 12. We've officially declared these erotic acts null and void i.e. SO not worth it. Trust us, your sex life will be better without 'em.

Haven't we all, at some point, been in the middle of an awkward sex scenario and thought, "WTF am I doing here?" If you're unfamiliar, it's those moments where the regret is practically dripping from your pores; sometimes mid-thrust. Heck, even bona fide freaks can admit there are some moves and positions that just DON'T live up to the hype.

On the quest to find our inner siren, we've admittedly stumbled into a few road blocks. We've been in countless messy situations, and can painfully recall instances where we fibbed about our flexibility. Yeah, we have the battle scars to prove it, too. FYI: not our fondest memories.

Cringeworthy trip down memory lane aside, it's clear we're not ones to hold back while trying to achieve an orgasm.

But even we can admit there are some X-rated moves that weren't worth the worry. Here are a few.

69

As we sit here gazing through our window this beautiful afternoon, we can't help but wonder: whose brilliant idea was this?

Return to sender, please.

Handjobs

They're so awkward and boring. Should we just talk about the weather until he climaxes? Catch up on world affairs? Really.

We'd rather be knitting scarves.

Sex on the beach

Sand. Gets. Everywhere. And we mean EVERYWHERE. Ouch.

Awkward dirty talk

"Ooh, suck these fingers clean."

"You like the way this penis is entering your vagina?"

"Those nipples look like little chocolate animal droppings. Let me feast!" <---Er, WHAT?

Stop it. Stop it now.

Whipped cream and chocolate sauce

Snacking while sexing? Sounds like a genius idea. Except, now there's huge mess.

Sex on the airplane

Trying to get it on in a cramped and dirty bathroom tens of thousands of feet in the air? Or in a seat right across from strangers? Major headache. Spare us.

Simply put, becoming a member of the Mile High Club is so overrated. Zzzzzz...

Crappy role playing

Well, we weren't all born to be Meryl Streep.

Getting tea bagged

It's GREAT for them. It sucks balls for us.

Anal intercourse without lube

'Nuff said.

Sex upside down

Somehow the blood rushing to our heads just isn't worth any measurable amount of pleasure. Call us cowards, if you like.

Fingers in the butt...

...then trying to put it into our mouths after... WTF is wrong with them?

Sex in the shower

Slip and slide, slip and slide. There goes some water in our eyes. Now we're blind and realise this was a dumb idea!

Gah. Stupid, STUPID, sex.​

Did we miss any? Tweet us @sofeminineUK

by Cliche Wynter

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